


The Pain of Two Out of Three

by SylvanAuctor



Category: Imperial Radch Series - Ann Leckie
Genre: Anxiety, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 20:27:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11238570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SylvanAuctor/pseuds/SylvanAuctor
Summary: Tisarwat feels omniscient, omnibenevolent, and powerless.





	The Pain of Two Out of Three

The flower of justice ys peace.

Flower proprietatis forma in (form' in; elision, poetic device) mente atque factis est

es

ist 

copula

Vorteil の Blume ist Amaat (alphabet)

Αμαατ

アマーと (syllabary)

Whole and entire

我是

アnaanδερ Μιαναai

Mercy of Kalr Bo Lieutenant

меч правосудия

Noun Fiyanes en Uf

I must not fear

Shiro ksa yu re ya

Ngari hu Amaat salew tirea, your body remains

No. Nononononono salew tokx tirea tirea tirea Anaanderä ‘ì’awn slu oet tìsraw seyki

Ke tìsraw seyki

Srung seyki

I can save everyone. I know how.

 

Breq made the morning cast, but Tisarwat heard it far away and indistinct. Anaander rushed back over her, memories pouring together and over her like a waterfall, and alarm bell, the roar of a flyer engine. Her heartbeat thrummed like it had when the implants came out. She did not taste her tea gruel, even mixed as it was with canned dredgefruit and its syrup. Her arms and legs moved her on her routine. She saw herself arrive in her office, sit, and engage to the computers.

Bo Nine and Secretary Uran appeared in her door with tea. She took it and drank mechanically. “Thank you. Secretary Uran, nice to see you here. How can I help you?”

“Oh, Section Administrator, I’m here to see if you like the tea.”

“Were you worried about that?” she asked.

_ You ordered a week’s supply of the first tea grown on Valskaayan-owned land,  _ Station messaged, the words appearing in Tisarwat’s vision. Her heart was still pounding from the urgency of this morning, but it managed to reach a new level as she recognized her impropriety: Uran had taken special time from her schedule and was expecting to be able to report to her grandfather.

“Oh!” she exclaimed. “Yes, Secretary Uran, this is excellent! You should be very proud. In fact, I’ll tell Republic Governor Giarod about it. Are they blending with green, as well?”

“Yes, they are,” Secretary Uran said.

“I’ll buy a tin of that, as well, then,” Tisarwat said. “Can’t have too much fairly grown tea. Thank you. I’ll be settling into work now.”

_ Administrator, perhaps you should go to Medical for your current emotional state. _

“I’m fine, Station. It’s just a big task.” She closed and locked her office door as soon as Bo Nine and Uran left. “Station, record,” she said, and began speaking.

Not that she knew where to start; she had to get all three thousand years out as quickly as possible. Lives depended upon it. She could map it all out, but only with Station’s help, now that she was only one brain. The words tumbled over each other, Naskaaia, Awer, Garsedd, Benefit, Justice, Propriety Significance Unity LegacyTradeExpansionSelectionBettermentUnityDivisionJUSTICEANCILLARYUNITYDIVISIONUNITY

She finished the bare outline of the first thousand years by lunch. “I finished, she finished, finished, Garsedd in three days, twelve million lives, twenty five weapons, twenty four apprehended one returned to the Presger involved ships justices toren ente amaat swords nathtas eywa rayetso aatr mercies ente toren nathtas amaat i split….” Berating herself for her slowness, she shoved half of her dinner down and continued “...ptem mutinied prevented war with the rrrrrr executed justly no unjustly citation takaairi v provincial governance of valskaay case number 3319045 countercitation seitoren v provincial governance of inai court martial warranted unwarranted…”

There was too much, but it needed to be done. She could do it.

 

The second day, the morning prayer poured out, Tisarwat was nauseous at her incompetence. She sipped tea, left gruel to grow cold. More nausea because of it.

“Section Administrator, the mushroom growers beg your pardon that they ask for their transport times be expedited.”

“Tell them I’m on it,” Tisarwat said, then went back to her dictation to Station. “Reeducation research found current epistemology inadequate … objection: non-overlapping magisteria, benefit to propriety et cetera. In summary the annexation of Valskaay has been a success. Justice of Ente commission number J3316 next deployed at Shis’urna…”

Stomach nearly empty, roiling with nausea, Tisarwat fell the the floor and vomited up her Valskaayan-grown tea. She knelt in the puddle and dry-heaved until her abdomen ached. “...I killed Lieutenant Awn Elming. Justice of Toren One Esk Nineteen…”

_ Administrator Tisarwat, it is midnight,  _ Station messaged.

Tisarwat paid the message no heed and kept droning the details out. “First Significance conclave sets Significance precedent…”

Days passed. No mushroom requisition orders were filled, nor anything else. Tisarwat continued on until she swore she could feel Amaat whispering the words in her ear. So close. Couldn’t be long now.

“Station, show me my progress metric.”

_.03 percent to goal. _

“No!” Tisarwat threw her teacup across the room and it shattered against the wall.

_ Tisarwat, please eat something and then sleep. You have not in 48 hours.  _

“I know, Station, but I have to finish this.”

_ I will call Piat. _

“No. Station, no, I can’t explain this to her.”

_ Fleet Captain Breq, then. _

“She’ll think I’m weak.”

_ Lieutenant Seivarden. _

“Has enough problems of her own.”

_ One of them, or Station Medical. You need something for this anxiety. Choose. _

Tisarwat fell and threw up again, and did not have the determination to rise from the pool of tea. Tears welled in her eyes and whispered, “Amaat, I don’t know why you gave me this but I can’t do it. I have to but I can’t. Just a minute to rest and then I’ll finish it.” Her eyes drooped shut.

“Tisarwat?”

Tisarwat came awake and wiped tea vomit from her face. “Piat?”

“It’s me, yes. Let me help you up.”

Tisarwat groaned. “Okay.”

Piat took Tisarwat’s hand and pulled her up, then set her in her office chair. “I want to know what happened, but first you’re going to come to my apartment. Sleep and I’ll get tea and cakes. Rest from this, whatever it is.”

“Okay.”

Tisarwat slept wrapped in warm, fuzzy quilts that had been gifts to Administrator Celar and then to Piat. She awoke after twelve full hours, and when she woke, avoided thinking of Anaander like refusing to pick at a scabbing wound. Piat came with black tea flavored with orange and spices, Tisarwat’s favorite, and honey cakes.

“Tell me what happened?” Piat asked.

“You don’t have to stay with me if you don’t like what I say,” Tisarwat said.

“I won’t leave.” No conditions.

“I used to be Anaander Mianaai. She made me an ancillary, part of her, but Fleet Captain Breq cut me out of her, but I still have her memories. All of them. And I have to tell Station all of them or more people are going to die.”

“Help me understand that,” Piat said. “Who is?”

“People everywhere. If I misstep. And I’m going to misstep unless I know where everything is. And I do know, but I can’t put the memories together right.” She felt Anaander again, pushing in. Memories of suffering. People all over the Radch crying out, their pains and fears numbered like atoms in a sea.

“Why can’t you?”

“I only have one brain now. She only cares about the Radch as one big thing. But I don’t want any of the people to get hurt. And the littlest things I do will hurt people. Like Awn and Raughd, together.”

“Who and Raughd?”

“Lieutenant Awn Elming  _ Justice of Toren _ One Esk. I killed her but I didn’t know she was  _ Justice of Toren _ ’s favorite, and because I didn’t know One Esk Nineteen ran away and she became Breq and now we have the Republic and all because I killed one person. And if Raughd hadn’t written Not Tea But Blood on the tea shop then Translator Dlique would be alive and Breq never would have seen the tea set and Captain Hetnys would have sold even more people to  _ Sphene _ . All because of a bit of paint.”

“So you think if you can think of everything, you won’t hurt anyone?”

“And I can keep other people from being hurt. All of them.”

“I don’t know if you can do that,” Piat said.

“How do I know unless I try?” Tisarwat asked.

“I don’t know that, either. But there has to be a better way than screaming at Station all day.”

“I can’t find it.”

“We will, together.”

**Author's Note:**

> Tisarwat's memories during the morning prayer include the conlangs Trigedasleng and Castithan by David J. Peterson, for The 100 and Defiance, and Na'vi by Dr. Paul Frommer, for Avatar. Natural languages featured are Latin, Spanish, German, Japanese, Chinese, Greek, and Russian.


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